Psst! – This column is just for you

MY name is Niall Gormley and I am the Oil Minister of the Republic of Ireland. I have caught your attention through research on the internet. I hope I find you well.

During my four year ministership a sum totalling $342 trillion (US$342,000,000,000) has found its way into a credit union account under my control at the shopping centre in Santry. I want to make clear that I am without a blemish on my reputation and that there was nothing in the slightest bit suspicious about how this money got there.

We were carrying out oil exploration in west Africa and we came across the money in loads of different Government accounts. In fact, the place is being inundated with accounts where millions of dollars have been left over after oil contracts. I just gathered some of it together and brought it to Santry.

The reason I am contacting you is that I have a proposal that will be mutually beneficial. I want to keep as much of the money for myself as I can and I need somebody imbued with an unimpeachable character and a real sense of opportunity like yourself to help me do it.

I want you to send me your bank details so that I can deposit the money in your account. The Revenue Commissioners, the Criminal Assets Bureau and a couple of tribunals down at Dublin Castle seem to be under the impression that this money doesn’t belong to me. Now, what I have in mind is to put this money into your account in order to thwart their devilish pursuit. In return I will give you 22.3% of the money (US$76,266,000,000).

All you have to do is to send me your bank account number and a few samples of your signature (preferably on blank cheques for the purposes of authenticity). In order for me to put the money into your account I’ll also need your cash card and your pin number (it’ll save me filling out a lodgement slip).

Of course, as a person of your financial talents will realise, such a scheme will require an initial investment of working capital. Ten thousand dollars (US$10,000) should enable the transaction to go ahead. You can wire it to me at the post office in Santry. In case any hitch should arise I will need some petty cash, so please include your credit card number, expiry date and your credit limit.

As soon as I get the ten grand I’ll be putting the money into your account and a life of unimaginable leisure and abundance awaits you.

In a world of pain and human failings only some of us are called to enjoy the fruits of the earth. You are now such a person and I beseech you not to let this chance of riches to pass you by. Send me the stuff now.

May the Lord bring blessings on you and your family. I look forward to a rewarding business relationship based on integrity, honour, purity, probity and virtue.

Niall Gormley
Oil Minister

PS: A few of my mates do internal decorating as well so if you send me your front door key and your alarm code, I’ll arrange for them to call round when you’re out and divvy the place up.